How to raise a child… or not…

This year Children’s Day falls on Sunday, 4 March. Te rā o ngā Tamariki has fallen on the first Sunday of March every year since being introduced by New Zealand’s first Children’s Commissioner in 2000.

The aim of the day is to remind us to put children first. It presents itself as an opportunity for families and communities to celebrate and nurture the children of New Zealand.

Childhood has undergone tremendous changes in the last century. Schools are ever increasing the use of technology and devices as part of learning. This is both exciting and frightening for ‘old school’ parents and teachers as we are bombarded with articles and studies about how too much screen time is bad for children, contrasted with articles and studies about how devices help to enhance learning and have the ability to make it fun and interesting.

While the world speeds towards more technology, robotics and automation in a world filled with apps, parents desperately try to provide a balance between use of technology and ‘real play’. We are yet to see the impact that these devices have on our complex brains and eyes because they simply have not been around long enough. We don’t know if all the years of internet signal will give us unimaginable cancers one day, and potentially by the time we find out it will be too late to reverse the effects. Encouraging our children to play outside and use their imaginations is important for many things including gross motor skills, but with all the technology and the never-ending production of really awesome toys, the battle remains and as they say: ‘the struggle is real’.

During the first world war, the education system prepared children for what would be expected of them. Besides being taught to read, write and do sums, children were taught moral virtues and imperialistic ideals. Boys were taught to march, shoot straight and follow orders. Compulsory military training prepared young men to be ready and willing to fight for ‘King, Country, and Empire’ in 1914.

Also, most children during this time learned to write on slates made of smooth rock before moving on to paper and pencil and then ink. Widespread use of the strap and the cane ensured children followed the rules, held their pencils correctly and did their homework.

Now, 100 years later, it’s considered bad parenting to use smacking as a tool for discipline. Children have more rights today than ever before. Children’s emotions and opinions are being taken into consideration when decisions about their welfare are being made, which is a strong contrast to the old saying ‘children should be seen and not heard’.

During the 1930s through to the 1960s, the government promoted the role of the family and from 1935 the Labour government's social policies supported young families with children. Much of this concern for children and their families stemmed from the perceived need to maintain a healthy nation: one capable of providing robust workers and, if necessary, soldiers for defence. It is highly doubtful that the youth of today would be mentally strong enough to provide defence for our nation as we continue to soften childhood.

Bronwyn Dalley’s research and consequent publication of ‘Family matters: child welfare in twentieth century New Zealand’ highlights how child welfare in New Zealand evolved between 1902 and 1992. For example, a difficult teenage daughter in 1902 would have appeared before the magistrate’s court for being ‘uncontrollable’ and admitted to a residential institution to be cared for with no contact, except for letters, with the family. Nowadays, a 16-year-old is considered an adult and able to make decisions for themselves independent of their families. For younger children an entire department of child welfare professionals work with them to get to the bottom of their issues and children can be removed from ‘at risk’ parenting and are placed in the care of biological family where possible. Consideration and investigations go in to child abuse and society and government have shifted from treating the symptoms to treating the cause. Children are respected and their feelings are considered in every decision made that involves their well-being, sometimes at the expense of parental involvement.

On the flip side of elevating the importance of children’s feelings, we have encouraged a whole new bag of behavioural problems: entitlement.

It is widely recognised that the dramatic increase of children showing entitled behaviour is the result of allowing children to let their feelings guide their actions and the ‘everyone deserves a trophy for effort’ movement. Many have argued that this has created a generation of youth that disregard others’ opinions and feelings because it has been drummed into them that the only thing that matters is their own well-being. Now, we see a flurry of studies indicating that while children’s opinions and feelings should be valued, we need to take a step back and remind them to take other people’s opinions and feelings into consideration as well.

Every generation complains about the one after it. The cause of this seems to come from society learning from past mistakes and trying to improve child welfare by being child-centred instead of parent-, family-, or society-centred. Every generation grows up to see their parents’ parenting faults and strive to continuously improve children’s rights, only to complain about the outcome and say things like “children of today have little respect!”.

So, this Children’s Day, remember that the world is still figuring out the best approach for child welfare. Every generation thinks it has the perfect system until those children grow up and the effects of that system are clear, and we make necessary changes to improve the way we deal with and raise children.

Perhaps the only thing we have figured out is that children deserve love, happiness, food, shelter and an education. Everything else is a constant debate. So, take this Children’s Day to remind yourself that children depend on adults to care for them, and as long as we are doing the best we can with today’s knowledge for all children, perhaps this generation of children will grow up to find the perfect solution to child welfare, but until then, just love them and let them have fun. Childhood is fleeting and I am yet to meet an adult who doesn’t wish to go back to their childhood and relive the adventure.